Remembering Milly...

It has been a month since I got to hold little Milly in my hands at the hospital. I am just remembering that day, July 12th, 2012. I was so nervous heading into the hospital that morning, not sure what was going to happen, but trusting that God was in control, and had since the very beginning of this journey. We checked into the hospital at 7:00 a.m. and then my nurse got me signed in and IV's hooked up by 8:00. My nurse was wonderful, her name was Brinda, and she was just so therapeutic throughout the day. She called me the night before to prepare me for the day ahead, and I was glad I got to have her with me that day. Once I was all hooked up, they started me on a medication that got my cervix ready to prepare for labor. I had contractions on and off as it started kicking in, and then later that morning the contractions got stronger and stronger, and I told Brinda I think it's time. My parents, and sister were with us along with my mother-in-law, and sister-in-law. My friend, Brandie that I teach with visited. She made Milly a fleece blanket with her name on it. I was so blessed that she did that for Milly. Then my mother-in-law was just finishing up on Milly's quilt in the hospital room that day. It was a beautiful quilt with ladybugs on it for Milly. :) My Grandma Jan stayed at home with Dax that day. She wanted to do that for us. Everyone had left to get lunch, but my mom stayed with us. Brian and I agreed to have her with us. I am so glad she was there because it was good to have someone to hold me and Brian's hands through the delivery. It was like God had it all planned out that day to happen at the time that it did. Once my contractions got really strong, it all just happened so fast. It got very intense, and then Milly was delivered at 1:20 p.m. My doctor was wonderful and so soft spoken, taking her time, and was so gentle. The room was just quiet, and I felt total peace. I cried and cried knowing I wouldn't get to hold my healthy baby in my arms, I didn't hear her cry, and I wouldn't get to rock her, sing her lullabies, and feed her.I felt peace because she was with the Lord, and she was safe. I wanted that more than anything for her. I just wanted her healthy, and safe. My mom held my hand, and Brian's hand while he was sitting on the chair next to me hunched over. We all just cried, tears of sadness, yet tears of joy knowing our baby girl was wrapped in the arms of God hearing lullabies from angels in heaven. She was with the best baby-sitter of them all. She was with her heavenly Father! 

I can't express enough how amazing it was to hold our baby girl that day. She was so tiny (12.5 ounces, and 10 inches long) She was very fragile, but you could see all her features. Her eyes were still closed, she had Brian's nose, and you could see her mouth. We didn't see her ears very well, but the most precious part about her were her hands and feet. I thought they looked like Dax's, small and chunky. We both agreed she was definitely a little Spanhut! :) It was so neat to see that she had finger prints and foot prints, all the details in our hands, she had them! I couldn't stop looking at how God had created every precious part of her body, and we got to see her from her "secret place" at 22 weeks. She was beautiful in every way to us, even if she wasn't at full term. I kissed her mouth and hands and feet. My mom took pictures of us with her, holding her tiny little hand that fit between my finger and thumb. Our family got to meet her and hold her. We just embraced that moment as if she was alive. My wonderful friend, Terra was there to meet her too, and I am so grateful for that moment because she took the time to pray over our family, and my family was there too. We all cried as she prayed. God was with us that day. I just can't say enough how much peace we continued to feel. Later that day when our family left, Brian and I had a moment with Milly before the funeral home came to pick her up. We took pictures with each other, and just enjoyed our last moment with her until we knew it was her time to go. That was a hard moment watching the nurse wheel her out of our room, I just wanted them to bring her back to me to feed her and love on her, but I knew it was her time. The best peace is knowing she was in heaven. :)

It has been a month today, and looking back I just can't thank our family, friends, church family, and small group enough for ALL they have blessed us with. Cards, gifts, meals, the list goes on and on, and we are just so grateful for the outreached hands of others during this time. Through this all, God is still GOOD! I read the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith, and it blessed me knowing I'm not alone. That others have been in my shoes. She and her husband from the Christian band, Selah wrote the song "I Will Carry You," and the words "I Will Carry You while your heart beats here." I did that for our little Milly. Every appointment when I got to see her on that ultrasound screen, I would see her heart beating, and I would see her moving around, and she would motivate me to keep going, to not give up. Then I love the words "I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you." I LOVE that! I feel so blessed that God chose me to carry little Milly, and through it all Brian and I still gave Him all the glory! Here is the song below. I feel like it was written for our Milly too. It just blessed me! :)